I am an asshole. It did not take me all 21 years of consciousness, I can’t remember shit before 3 years old, to realize this. But it did take me a full 21 years of consciousness to decide that I no longer want to be an asshole. This could be characterized as an attempt to exorcise the asshole in me. An attempt to return myself to a point where I can feel proud of who I am. Ironically, first I must dispense of my pride.
Where to start? Was it being born to extremely intelligent and loving parents? Was it never wanting for anything? Was it getting almost everything I asked for? Was it realizing that I was smarter than the majority of my peers? Was it achieving everything that I put my mind to?
I really have no clue. I guess that somewhere between the privilege, intelligence, and achievement a wellspring of arrogance was formed.
Multiple people have told me that I can seem aloof or dismissive. This is not the asshole in me. That is the shy insecure person who is terribly afraid of rejection.
The asshole in me is the guy who struggles to make small talk with people because they have been weighed and measured and found wanting, much like I now find myself. The asshole in me has manipulated countless situations so that they turn out in my favor. The asshole in me has either says what you want to hear or is brutally honest in a hurtful manner. The asshole in me has a million ambitions and responsibilities but continually puts them off because I know I can. The asshole in me has survived two major accidents but still continues to drive the streets like I’m Hancock before he met Charlize Theron, even though my greatest fear is death and within the subset of possible deaths my greatest fear is dying in a car accident. My friends have seen me drive hard, but they have not seen how I can drive when I’m in a bad mood and alone. Welcome to confession can I take your order please? Well father as I turned out of La Seiva I blocked a lane of traffic so I could get on to Saddle road quicker. At the entrance to Maraval I swung around a Frontier cutting it off as soon as the road became double laned. On the corner of Park and Henry I overtook someone on the inside of the road. Turning onto the end of independence square I sped around a pedestrian and swung from the outside lane to an inside lane as I turned cutting off a truck. I drove on the shoulder to overtake a car rather than legally merge on to the highway. On the highway I hit 160 kmph/100mph while weaving through lanes. At the lights in Aranguez I overtook a truck that had stopped at the lights by using a turning lane. All of this stemmed from me waking up from 3 hours of sleep and realizing that I had three cavities. It was after I turned off of the main road that I thought about how pointless everything I had done was, it hadn’t changed the facts that precipitated it, and it had endangered lives other than my own.
I want to stop being that asshole.
They say that knowing is half the battle, well knowing is obviously the easier half. If ignorance is bliss then being self aware but without conscience must run a close second. And, it has continued for far too long. I have not cherished the things I should have and all it has brought me is pain. It is time for me to try harder; it is time for me to be a better friend, brother, son, relative and person.
As everyone's favorite asshole Kanye West loves to say, it's a process, so please help me!